The Only Way Out

This uniquely touching episode is for every human being on earth who is trying to heal better.

Hi everyone, this is your host, Sayar Henry, and thank you for downloading this episode and choosing to spend time with me today. I am so glad that you’re able to tune in to my podcast now because that means you are healthy and safe wherever you are. And that’s all I want you to be. So let’s keep things that way, Okay? 

Now, first of all, I have to say that this episode is going to be a memorable one for me in some way because I’m going to explain a concept to you in a way I have never done before. I’m going to use an imaginary point of view that every person with a loving heart can relate to. But it’s going to be a sad example. So it may make you think, … visualize, … and then feel a little bit broken. It might not give you the most cheerful audio experience, but I hope it will serve a purpose as I intend to. So I want you to … trust me on this, relax your mind, and be ready for an imagination guided by my voice.

 

The sun is shining through the glass of the window. You reach out to the glass with your hands. As your fingertips touch the glass, you feel like the ray of sunshine is responding with a touch of warmth. And then you start hearing a humming voice in your ears. 

“Hmmm Hmmmm … ….” 

You smile. And you repeat the melody in your head and then you start to sing it out.

“You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy 
When skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take 
My sunshine away”   

Then you stop. You realize you are singing alone. All of a sudden, you remember that she’s not with you; that she’s gone; that she has left you; and that she’s not coming back. A sense of melancholy and nostalgia kicks in. And you feel your eyes a little wet. You don’t know what to do. But you think having a cup of coffee might cheer you up. So you boil some water and start making coffee. Then your eyes land on the rice cooker — the one she bought years ago. Now you start seeing the flashbacks of you and her cooking noodle together with that little rice cooker. You smile … painfully. And you ask yourself a question — the same old question of how you ended up there alone. It takes you a few more minutes to realize that your coffee is ready.

Now you’re having coffee and still thinking. You decide to stave off this pain by watching a TV show. After all, a sitcom you’re familiar with can cheer you up, isn’t it? So you tear a bag of potato chips open and proceed with your plan. But as you chew the chips, you remember again that it was the first ever show you and she watched together years ago. You start to recall all the moments you ate chips from a glass bowl, while watching this exact same show, and laughing out loud together on this very couch. But you try to steel yourself by reminding that you have never seen this part of the show. Not with her. Not alone. Maybe these jokes that you have never seen before can bring you some joy … at least momentarily.     

After a while, your plan seems to be working as expected. The show starts giving you some laughs — fresh ones that is not associated with her in any way. But it doesn’t last long enough. Soon, you see one of the characters singing a lullaby to comfort another one.

“Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur! Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr …”

As you hear this, you don’t see the characters anymore. All you see is yourself singing the exact same lullaby to her. You are now reliving one of those moments in which you sang that to her over the telephone just before you say goodnight to each other. You notice the corners of your eyes are getting wet. Your vision starts to get blurred with liquid. And you hate to admit that those are tears bursting through the immense pain.

You can’t take it anymore. You stop playing the TV show at once. You stand up and start walking with no direction or purpose in mind. And you start blaming yourself.
You blame yourself for being so easily triggered by even the smallest of things associated with her and your past.

You blame yourself for experiencing the pain that you have been working so hard to avoid from.

You blame yourself for appreciating the ray of sunshine and remembering the song ‘You are my sunshine’. 

You blame yourself for using the little rice cooker to make noodle on some nights.

You blame yourself for eating potato chips and watching a familiar sitcom from your past. And you blame yourself for those tears. 

In fact, you are blaming yourself for everything that makes you human.    

Then you start to wonder why you are not avoiding the familiar activities that you did together with her; why you are not meeting and talking to new people; or why you are not watching new shows; and most importantly, why you haven’t been able to forget her completely.

Then suddenly, you remember you have tried all these. You have watched new shows, talked to new people, and tried different activities with the best of your effort and capacity. In fact, you’ve been running away from your past like that for quite a while. And you have come to the realization that you have tried everything, and that nothing works. It doesn’t matter what new things you try; even the slightest of coincidence would bring back all the pain, and you would be back to square one, over and over again. 

So you start to ask yourself these questions: 

“Why am I not healing? 

What am I not doing right?”

At that moment, the word ‘heal’ triggers your past experiences with wounds and your life knowledge of the healing process. When a part of your body is wounded or damaged, you can’t heal by ignoring the problem or running away from the pain. You heal it by addressing it and by giving whatever it takes to regain its strength. The key is to address it, not to avoid dealing with it.

And it is no different with processing your heartache.

Running away is not the answer. It is never the answer.

You will know that you have fully recovered when you don’t feel the pain anymore. But, the goal is not to avoid the pain by trying to forget the past. The goal is to remember things and not feel the pain anymore. So it’s not going to take just time. It will take repetition. It will take getting used to. And you cannot do that without facing the past, confronting the memories, living through the pain, and processing it once and for all.

Of course you did your favorite activities with her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do these things anymore. These are already a part of your life, a part of your identity. Of course you will remember her and miss her while doing these but that’s a necessary part of your healing process. So you need to stop blaming yourself for doing every little thing you enjoy or behaving in every little way that makes you human. It is all part of the process, and everything will be okay again.

Now if you’re still following my voice and this line of thought, I’d like you to think about a couple of questions.

“Is there any painful memories or unpleasant experiences that you have been running away from?”

“And if there is, how do you plan to deal with it, or live with it?”   

Maybe it is about a relationship problem.

Maybe it is about some health issue.

Or maybe, it is about … your country and your future.

But whatever that is, the answer is not ignoring, nor is trying to forget what will always be a part of your life’s memory. Of course, confronting is painful. But just because something is painful or unpleasant doesn’t mean you should run away from it.

What you should — and must undertake — is to face your pains, your wounds, your fears, and your failures. And you need to accept them as they are and embrace the scar as it is, if you really want to heal yourself better, and properly.

Because the only way out is through.

It may be hard. It may be painful. 

But it is necessary.

And it will help you move forward and move on.

Because it is the way out.

The only way out.